Barack Hussein Obama
Barack Hussein Obama is black. Wait no... actually, his mother is white, and his father black, so he's half-black. Ok, ok, half-African-American. Hold on though, his Dad is African (as if the place even existed), and Obama hasn't lived the typical experiences of an African-American. Fine, so he's half-African-African-American. Or so they tell us. We don't see race. He is the junior United States Senator from Illinois and running for president for the Democratic Party When the liberal media got tired after a day or two of talking about the 2006 midterm elections, they turned their attention to the 2008 Presidential race and decided that Obama would be a good candidate. They tried to call him Barack "Tiger" Obama. Jimi Hendrix even arose from his grave in Renton, Washington to shoot a campaign commercial for Obama. Fox News tried to keep talking about Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton, but was forced to do a few chats about Obama even though they hope and know that a brain dead monkey will be running against and be destroyed by our greatest President ever, George W. Bush, as he moves on to his glorious third term as president. The Name Barack Hussein Obama holds the all-time record for "Worst Possible Name for an American Politician." Not only does his first name sound like Iraq, and his surname sounds a hell of a lot like "Osama," his freakin' middle name is HUSSEIN! Thus the proof for Republican claims of his status as the Antichrist. As talk of Obama '08 heated up, several GOP talking heads experimented with various truthy ways of pronouncing the Senator's name. All involved emphasizing that middle name, but some of the more creative alternatives also shifted his first name to "BARE-ack" or "BAR-ock." Extra points are given to Fox News guests if the "B" in Obama is replaced accidentally by an "S": "O''s''ama..., I mean Oh-BOMB-uh...". Meanwhile, GOP linguists continued to experiment with attempts to make the name sound more like "Ahmadinejad". And just in case none of that worked, the actress who asked Tennessee Senate candidate Harold Ford to "Call me," was still on retainer for the RNC. According to a special exposé on John Stewart's The Daily Show, Mr. Hussein Obama's real name is "Hitler von Jewserbaggen". CNN makes the Ahmadinejad connection Congratulations are in order for CNN's Jeff Greenfield who managed to figure out the proper link between Iran's president and Obama. It's all about his fashion choices on the "book tour" trail and Obama's decision to wear a suit without a tie. Greenfield made the connection on the Dec. 11, 2006 Wolf Blitzer show: But, in the case of Obama, he may be walking around with a sartorial time bomb. Ask yourself, is there any other major public figure who dresses the way he does? Why, yes. It is Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who, unlike most of his predecessors, seems to have skipped through enough copies of "GQ" to find the jacket-and-no-tie look agreeable. It was so obvious. How could everyone else have missed it? Connection to Osama bin Laden Aside from the similarities in their names, Obama and bin Laden also share the characteristic of being carbon-based lifeforms. If Obama truly wanted to distance himself from the terrorist leader, he would have chosen to be a sulfur-based lifeform, such as the ocean-dwelling tubeworms that live on volcanic vents off the coast of Chile. Family Barack Hussein Obama is the son of an African goat-herder from Kenya who met Barack's mother, a Hawaiian princess, while he was studying as a foreign-exchange student at the University of Hawaii. His parents divorced when Barack, Jr. was only two. Although he was raised mostly by his mother's family, the young boy was taught by his father the Kenyan art of herding. Since there weren't many goats in Hawaii at the time, Obama Sr used cats. Young Barack's cat-herding experience would later allow him to advance quickly in Democratic Party politics which has often been compared to cat-herding. When not herding cats, Barack Hussein Obama went to a militant Islamic elementary school. Young Barack Hussein Obama's precocious foreign-policy experience continued when his mother remarried, again to a foreign exchange student. Hubby #2 was from Indonesia. Young Barack Hussein Obama attended school there for a few years before returning to Hawaii. Politics Barack Hussein Obama claims to be a Christian even though he has refused to change his name to something more pleasing to The Baby Jesus. He later went to Columbia, were he got a degree in, "International Drug Trafficking" and "Hoes and Bitches Studies". After graduating from Columbia, he moved to Chicago to work on "social issues" with a church group. Although he was working for a supposed "faith-based charity", the group he chose to work with focused on liberal issues like "economic disparity" and "justice" rather than the approved Republican red-meat issues like gay marriage and abortion. This makes Obama's work even more dangerous than stuff done by Non Faith Based Charities because it tries to confuse people into thinking that God and the baby Jesus care about things that are not part of the agenda of the Greatest President Ever. Barack Hussein Obama is a proud and active member of a so-called "church" that recognizes gay pastors and supports gay marriage. The United Church of Christ includes among its congregations a huge Dallas mega-church, the Cathedral of Hope. Most of the thousands of members of that congregation are gay. And this is what Obama calls his church! He also steals candy from babies, defaces public property, and has his own gang. These are one of many things that go on in his, "church". Despite that questionable religious background, Barack Hussein Obama often talks about his supposed "faith" in speeches. He was elected to the Illinois legislature after a failed attempt to snag a seat in the US Congress. His cat-herding skills served him well there as he became a widely known and remarked politician there. It didn't hurt that Oprah taped her show in Chicago since Barack Hussein Obama got himself invited on to share the same couch jumped on by Tom Cruise. That made him just famous enough that he was invited to give the keynote address at the John-Kerry coronation during the 2004 Democratic Convention. All three-dozen people who watched that silly exercise were impressed with Obama's speech. In 2004, during the great Second Bush Landslide, Barack Hussein Obama was elected to the US Senate easily because the residents of Chicagoland don't know any better after years of brain-washing by the Daley family. It also helped that Obama's Republican opponent, Jack Ryan, was forced to drop out when it was revealed he had sex with his wife Jeri Ryan. Star Trek nerds were offended that he had befouled 7-of-9, and forced Ryan's ouster from the race. Dishonesty Barack Hussein Obama is is a liar. Reasons Why He Won't Make a Great President * He is a self-proclaimed Bears fan. * He is a Democrat. * He is a liberal. * He is not black, or white. Therefore he's imaginary. * He already has Secret Service guards, so he will probably just get assassinated anyway. * He is is a liar. *He is communist in a blackish whitish body. *He supports the liberal arts. *He also supports gays. *Eats stem cells. *Eats unborn babies. *Kills cute bunnies. *Deals drugs, (This explains why Hillery is mad at him for the money he's getting.) *He is really taking over her drug trade. *Smokes weed at NAACP conventions. *Hates the Greatest Country On Gods Green Earth. *Loves expensive suites. *Was a congressmen. *Hates Bush. *Hates Barney. *Not a Republican. *Stole my drug money. *Smokes crack. *Was a crack baby. *He is related to O.J. Simpson. *Is known he pick up white women. *He doesn't have enough experience. *Giuliani's daughter supports him, which proves he's having sex with teen white women. *He's too snore-y and stinky. *He doesn't have a wide stance. *His campaign manager advised bin Laden. *He shoots eagles by the dozen weekly on his ranch in Oompapabowmow, Kenya. See Also *Obamamamamia! (The Unauthorized Musical) *The Magic Negro *Alphonse "Al" Qaeda External Links * Pronunciation lesson on Hardball (YouTube) * Obama '08 Hendrix commercial (YouTube) * mysterious new web-based anti-Obama attack ad (Asecular.com) Obama-mentum * Barack Obama at Campaigns Wikia * Obama '08